QUEEN KELLY (1928)

Ambitious silent epic that never got finished

In the fictional country of Kronberg, the cruel and wicked bitch queen Regina V is due to marry the womanising drunkard Prince Wolfram. One morning, Wolfram arrives home at the palace wasted and covered in sluts. In her anger, the Queen hurls a cat to the floor which immediately has a fight with a sausage dog. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

As punishment, the Prince is sent to take the army out for a walk where he encounters a healthy collection of orphans and nuns. The prettiest of the orphans (Kelly) has unknowingly dropped her knickers which Wolfram and the rest of the army find hilarious. Out of embarrassment, she throws them at him and he keeps them for later. We know this is probably the start of something beautiful.

Back at the palace Queen Bitch decides to bring the wedding forward a day, much to Wolfram’s dismay as he would rather get his hands on the orphan with the loose knickers. That night he goes to find her at the convent, but gets frustrated by the amount of rooms she could be in. He decides the best course of action is to burn the place down. It works and he finds her, although she is unconscious because of all the smoke. He carries her home and steals more of her clothes. She wakes up, dazed and confused and the Prince romantically tells her that he burned down a convent.

Amazingly, this works and they get it on. Maybe I should be setting fire to more convents. Life’s not all fun and games though and they are discovered by Queen Bitch who looks the Prince in his chambers and starts whipping Kelly. I’m kind of on the Queen’s side a bit. We’re only told she’s cruel, we’re never shown any evidence or informed of any specifics. If my future husband set fire to a convent and slept with an orphan, I’d probably get a bit whippy too.

Anyway, Kelly gets chased out of the palace and jumps into the river. Which is where the film runs out of money. Director Erich von Stroheim was sacked because he was spending too much and leading lady Gloria Swanson didn’t like the direction that the film was heading in. For a start it was going to be 5 HOURS LONG. It was never released in the United States, but there are two possible endings. The one I saw is as follows:

Kelly is rescued from the river and taken back to the convent where she receives a telegram ordering her to move to German East Africa to live in her dying Auntie’s whorehouse where she will be forced to marry this dreamboat:

Meanwhile, back in Kronberg, Queen Bitch has been assassinated and Prince Wolfram heads to Africa. When he arrives, Kelly has replaced her Aunt as madam, but it all ends happily and they get married after dreamboat gets killed in a bar. We don’t really see any of this as it doesn’t exist. There’s just a lot of text and some still photographs.

The other ending, which I think I would prefer, has Kelly not being rescued from the river. She dies. The Prince ends up in an unhappy marriage with Queen Bitch and the people of the kingdom of Kronberg suffer as a result. I love a happy ending.

Despite my cynical jabs, I enjoyed this motion picture. It’s funny, exciting, looks pretty and tells a good story. Most problems can be overlooked due to the fact that it’s 83 years old. But there is a major issue. It’s not finished. So which ever ending you see, it’s been tacked on the end and feels hurried. You will be ultimately unfulfilled. In conclusion, Queen Kelly is

NOT BAD

LOOPHOLE (1981)

Two legends of the acting world rob a bank in the dullest way possible.

1981 was an exciting time filled with Concords, Ford Cortinas and King Size Rothmans. You would be forgiven for thinking that a bank heist escapade starring Martin Sheen AND Albert Finney in these heady days makes for a great film on paper. But films aren’t made on paper. Indeed, Loophole looks like it was made on sandpaper with it’s sub-Youtube picture and wonky soundtrack. From the exciting title screen I knew I was in for a tense and gripping rollercoaster ride.


Sheen is a recently unemployed architect who is running low on pounds (because he lives in England). That’s pretty much all the background we get on his character. He has a wife, who needs £10,000 for some project involving cloth which is never really explained. He has a chubby son, who has made the school cricket team.

“Wicket keeper? Is that like a zookeeper?” American Dad quips. That’s character development out of the way, on with the boringness.

Unwittingly, he joins Finney’s collection of wooden crooks. I include Finney in this. A man who’s been nominated for the Best Actor oscar FOUR times.

They hatch a plan, to tunnel into the bank vault through the sewers using Sheen’s knowledge of maps and stuff. This is the middle hour of the film and it is mind numbing. Here is a picture of the most exciting bit.


This thing was on 29% for ages. It was TENSE. It was GRIPPING. I had to reload the film.

They make it to the vault and start loading up on loot, but outside it starts pissing down and the sewers fill up with water. Finney and the lads decide to get out with the stuff, but Sheen elects to stay behind because he thinks it’ll be safer but there’s a chance he might get caught. Then we get a few shots of the crooks struggling in the rapidly flooding sewer looking like they’re going to drown and some of Sheen looking glum in the rapidly flooding bank vault. Then the weird bit. It ends! It cuts to Sheen in the bath and his wife saying “Hey Martin Sheen, when did you get home?” Then it shows that he has spent all his money on a new architectural firm and a snazzy new moustache.


The very last scene shows Finney coming into his office and saying “I’ve got a job for you.” Then they shake hands. It’s like there’s a whole 10 minutes missing, just when the viewer is beginning to wake up! I don’t mind a film that leaves you guessing about the ending but this is ridiculous and lazy. It’s as if they thought, “This film isn’t going anywhere, lets just cut to the bit where everything works out OK at the end.”

And so in conclusion, Loophole is poorly thought out, badly acted and totally devoid of suspense or drama. Therefore, Loophole is:

BAD

ALPHA DOG

I have decided to make use of Lovefilms healthy collection of films that I’ve never heard of to watch as many random films as possible.

I have a simple 3 way rating system. A film is either;

BAD

NOT BAD

Or

GOOD

The first film thrown up by my random film generator was

Alpha Dog (2006)

With guy from Into The Wild, Timberlake, Bruce Willis and others.

This film is GRITTY and REAL. It is also NO-HOLDS BARRED. It’s based on a true story of drugs, kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome and he dies at the end. Here is a picture of Sharon Stone made up to look fat and depressed.

It’s very Californian so a lot of people call each other dude and wear big shorts. Timberlake is quite good despite his whininess. Bruce Willis plays tough Dad.

I sat through the whole film and didn’t hate it, so in conclusion I thought it was

NOT BAD